tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post4220851727749429974..comments2023-10-18T04:53:53.843-07:00Comments on Finnian's Journey: Mixed ThoughtsLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07604477175816651214noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-79760651614852531262009-01-02T09:49:00.000-08:002009-01-02T09:49:00.000-08:00Sorry I am just commenting on this now... I was o...Sorry I am just commenting on this now... I was out of town for a few days and I dont have a computer at home. I know I know... I am working on getting a lap-top : ) Anyways, I dont know how I became interested/ fascinated with the differences between men and women emotionally but I am. I think it started out with studying adolescents in great depth. That’s kinda where you begin to see such vast differences. Although, I think it was maybe even before this… Perhaps it has something to do with my parents being divorced and my dad being such an extra-extroadinary man. I don’t know… Anyways, it has often caused MANY arguments between my friends and me (sister especially). They always tell me “I side with guys.” I don’t necessary think this is true I just always try to side with the more rational person and many times I find that men are more rational. I also try to understand why they do things and although I don’t always approve of their actions I do understand and can see why they do them.<BR/><BR/>I totally see Michael’s point of view and yours. To me his analogy of dating a black person makes perfect sense to me. In fact I was taken back and thought it was insightful and almost beautiful in that he doesn’t see Finn in the same light many other people probably do. I think as a women/mother (I can’t know from personal experience so could be wrong) they are much much more protective and like you said you feel a stronger fiercer protection for Finn. You perhaps overcompensate for Finn and his DS and share that he has DS with more people as to protect him. Neither approach is wrong nor one better than the other and I find myself wondering what I would do. Probably the same as you because I am female : ) But, I don’t see anything wrong with Michael not sharing it. You see DS coming up in conversation as a chance to share Finn has DS and Michael doesn’t. I don’t necessarily think it is a chance to share or chime in as well but maybe Michael thought it was a chance to really listen to honest thoughts/opinions. If Michael would have shared with the group they most likely would have tip-toed around the subject. Michael probably wanted to know what they really thought and most the time women protect themselves from the honesty that might hurt them. Michael has always seemed very rational to me. Perhaps more rational then most men/ human beings but as you have shared more about Michael through this blog I feel like I know him differently now. I still see him as just as rational but perhaps more emotional. His not sharing Finn having DS to me almost makes me feel/see a stronger emotional protection for Finn but a very different approach than the one you take. It’s odd to put into words but I think Michael does it both to protect Finn and also because he truly sees/ feels that nobody should treat one human being any different than another regardless of race, disability, etc. He probably also feels that he is protecting Finn by giving him a chance to be treated totally and completely equal by not sharing that he has DS. I don’t know if what I am feeling/ thinking is coming out right into my words but hopefully you get what I am trying to say. I don’t think you should question/ feel hurt by Michael not sharing it because like you said you believe and know Michael isn’t embarrassed by Finn having DS. You know he isn’t and that is really probably the root of why his not sharing it was bothering you.<BR/><BR/>Hope Christmas was wonderful and New Years as well! I am around this weekend if you guys want to go out! : ) <BR/><BR/>Side-note: I think I told you and Michael a long time ago if I ever went into law it would be as a divorce lawyer for men or a child advocate : )Alyciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18362577267159659626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-14592833300381180912008-12-29T18:27:00.000-08:002008-12-29T18:27:00.000-08:00I think it is a man thing.....my husband loves our...I think it is a man thing.....my husband loves our daughter dearly and is the same way.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12628921554027431376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-45897420543042120022008-12-29T09:22:00.000-08:002008-12-29T09:22:00.000-08:00You know as well as I do that men just process thi...You know as well as I do that men just process things so differently. I was shocked to learn that my Michael hadn't told his best local friend about my PPD, despite his friend's wife having suffered from it after their 2nd child. I don't know what to say, Lisa, except "to each their own", I guess. I look forward to reading more about this topic as time goes by and I hope you can find some peace with it.Carlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05984557067655141677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-19693488687694038472008-12-28T10:21:00.000-08:002008-12-28T10:21:00.000-08:00Wow, I can see both of your points and I'll add on...Wow, I can see both of your points and I'll add on to the others and say that I don't see M's view as wrong - just different. I don't get the impression that you think it's "wrong" either. Hence the post title, huh?<BR/><BR/>My feelings and actions more closely match yours (besides the telling everyone in the beginning. it took me much longer). I think my husband's feelings and actions more closely match M's. D is still a fantastic parent (better than I am, probably).<BR/><BR/>All that to say, I understand.Crittlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08868628035597050680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-16081604543444134422008-12-27T12:44:00.000-08:002008-12-27T12:44:00.000-08:00Honestly - I think it is men. The whole mind fram...Honestly - I think it is men. The whole mind frame is completely different and often mind boggling to me. I can totally see my husband acting the very exact same way as Michael. <BR/><BR/>I don't think it is a shameful or embarrassing thing to them, it is just that they really internalize and deal with things completely different than we do. Not that how they handle it is right or wrong or the way we handle things is right or wrong - it is just different. Frustrating yes - just different.Cindyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15866458228089509195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-82383579328091853222008-12-27T10:03:00.001-08:002008-12-27T10:03:00.001-08:00Maybe, just like a child with down syndrome is not...Maybe, just like a child with down syndrome is not a "downs child", Michael is still a father first and a father of a child with down syndrome second. Maybe letting people figure it out on their own feels more normal to Michael. Your identities haven't changed, just like Finn will always be much more than a child with down syndrome, he will also be a human being with an array of talents and abilities. Except for advocating, maybe Michael is actually in a good place with this.Darlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705316825955814778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-91357311353671314552008-12-27T10:03:00.000-08:002008-12-27T10:03:00.000-08:00Maybe, just like a child with down syndrome is not...Maybe, just like a child with down syndrome is not a "downs child", Michael is still a father first and a father of a child with down syndrome second. Maybe letting people figure it out on their own feels more normal to Michael. Your identities haven't changed, just like Finn will always be much more than a child with down syndrome, he will also be a human being with an array of talents and abilities. Except for advocating, maybe Michael is actually in a good place with this.Darlahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02705316825955814778noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-54855951086423911642008-12-25T13:35:00.000-08:002008-12-25T13:35:00.000-08:00I don't mention it to people except if asked. It's...I don't mention it to people except if asked. It's not that I'm embarrassed by him, I just don't want him to be labeled a child with special needs. I have learned from my dealings with special needs children that they will be treated in the way we as parents treat them. If we make a big deal out of their need, whatever that may be, they will be seen that that is a big deal and they will be treated differently.JaybirdNWAhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04060290229870774955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-17192613310222643672008-12-24T12:12:00.000-08:002008-12-24T12:12:00.000-08:00My husband and I have always handled Goldie's diag...My husband and I have always handled Goldie's diagnosis differently. I think its because we have had different life experiences and interact with different people. He started out telling people that Goldie had DS, but found that a lot of them didn't know what it was. Then he had to try and explain it when he really didn't know what it would mean for HER. People also asked him "how bad it was". Then, he felt like he had to rate her degree of down syndrome. I can't stand that. So I think he just stopped telling people. My friends all knew what DS was so they focused on celebrating with me. <BR/><BR/>I have to give my husband credit though, he has always been more relaxed and accepting of the DS. After we got the final diagnosis I was crying in the van and he told me "This doesn't change anything. She'll still learn to walk and ride a bike. She's going to grow and be a kid and do everything other kids do." I was like "oh, yeah."Brandiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01704697731192764110noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-80918065367976893532008-12-24T03:54:00.000-08:002008-12-24T03:54:00.000-08:00It's still kind of a new and evolving experience f...It's still kind of a new and evolving experience for us (twins Maggie and Caleb,DS, born 4/16/08). Initially I felt like blurting it out to everyone. Now I only talk about it when it's a natural part of the conversation. My guess is it may change for him as well. Still relatively early.Annhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18229817829124274147noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-65169054323319680822008-12-24T03:10:00.000-08:002008-12-24T03:10:00.000-08:00I think men just hold a lot of things a little clo...I think men just hold a lot of things a little closer to the chest and don't feel the need to share as much as women...not that either way is more right. It just is.<BR/><BR/>Maybe he doesn't feel the need to tell everyone because it bothers him so little that he doesn't mind people making the observation for themselves. Maybe he thinks that by talking about it a lot, it gives it too much spotlight and importance, whereas he'd rather just be "proud daddy".<BR/><BR/>I don't know; just speculating. <BR/><BR/>You guys are awesome, either way!<BR/><BR/>Merry Christmas!Nicole O'Dellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08502962603831947123noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7502307737528869885.post-41624987718218248472008-12-24T00:25:00.000-08:002008-12-24T00:25:00.000-08:00Alex doesn't really mention it broadly either, but...Alex doesn't really mention it broadly either, but he DOES mention it when it's appropriate (whatever that means). Nor, for that matter do I. I used to mention it more, but now it's mostly if I am talking with...like, a friend I haven't spoken to in awhile. I'll say something like "Our daughter was born in 2006. She's a real pip and has taught me so much. She was born with DS and a heart condition...." blah blah blah...and it's mostly just to give them a head's up on MY life...because the whole thing has really shaped my life. But I don't mention it to random strangers unless the topic comes up. I probably would have mentioned it at the lunch, not necessarily on the train. Sometimes, and maybe this is sneaky, I like to see what someone's "take" is on the subject BEFORE they know. Not to ambush them, but to see what they REALLY think. Also...sometimes, I really DON'T want someone to say something they might regret so I mention it to save BOTH of us any pain.<BR/><BR/>Also. When G was born, I asked my family (dad and sisters) to please mention that G has DS when telling people she was born (like, extended family). I dreaded the thought that G would finally see some random cousin or something that we only see once every year or whatever and them having no idea and just wondering and feeling weird. Because then it'd be like this big elephant in the room that no one was mentioning.<BR/><BR/>Oh. And while I sometimes NOW wonder if this was the best thing to do, I sent out something uplifting ABOUT DS with Georgia's birth announcements. Although...it's not like I think it was BAD...I just wonder if I would do it today knowing what I know now.<BR/><BR/>Ramble ramble...Triciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12595026999757410223noreply@blogger.com