Hmmm ...

Finn rolled over today. I'm not kidding, and I'm not exaggerating, he really rolled over, all by himself. I had given him a bath and I put him on a towel on the bed, on his tummy, so I could take some cute naked baby pictures, and he rolled right over onto his back. Just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I put him back on his tummy and he rolled over twice more. I grabbed the camera to video-tape it for proof, but he was getting tired of my shenanigans by then and started fussing and crying.

So he rolled over and he's only 3 1/2 weeks old. None of my other kids rolled over until - what? Two, three months old? Of course there's a part of me that wants to jump and shout with joy that he accomplished such a feat this early. What might it mean? That he's not "delayed" after all? That maybe he's even ahead of the game?

I'm reading this wonderful book that a friend sent me, Road Map to Holland. It's the author's personal account of her son's first two years of life with Down syndrome. In it is a chapter titled "They All Do That," in which the author recounts taking her son to their family doctor when he was a young infant, and how he tried to roll over and she was so proud, and the doctor said, "They all do that, in the beginning. They almost always start out ahead, but eventually, they fall behind. Your heart will break and break and break again."

This passage has stayed with me and made me afraid to hope for too much, to put too much stock into things Finn does. He's also been able to lift his head almost since birth, and Michael and I both swear that he's already trying to smile. What does it mean? Maybe nothing. I'm afraid to hope that it means anything at all.

***

I've started venturing out of my self-imposed house arrest because it's good for the kids and good for me to get out. Yesterday I took them to the park. Today I took them to the fountains to play in the water. I ran into a friend from MOMS Club there, and it was really nice to see her and chat with her. But I'm realizing that on some level I've chosen to avoid official MOMS Club events for now. I have a calendar printed full of MOMS Club activities - park days, play dates, etc., and I don't feel ready to face them all as a group. I think part of it is because my family and I have been the target of their generosity, and that makes me feel funny. But bigger than that is worrying about how everyone will behave when Finn and I make our "debut." Will they stare and secretly think to themselves "I can't see it at all," or "Oh, I can definitely see it . . ." Will they go out of their way to be extra nice? Will they avoid the whole issue and pretend it's not there? Maybe they'll ask questions that I'll feel uncomfortable with. Worse, maybe they won't.