Friday, July 18, 2008

Nerves

Didn't sleep well last night. My stomach is a ball of nerves anticipating the battle ahead of us today.

Here's what happens: you hand your baby over to the doctors and nurses because it's necessary, because your baby is sick. Out of necessity, they hook him up to all kinds of machines and monitors. They perform surgery on him. There are protocols that must be followed, procedures, rules. He has to meet criteria after criteria to be seen as making progress.

And meanwhile, you begin to feel inept. You forget how to think for yourself, let alone for your baby. You feel like a child. The doctors and nurses tell you all these things, and you just nod dumbly because you can't think of anything else to do. They are the authority figures in this scenario. You forget that you actually know how to take care of your baby. You forget that, in fact, you're better at taking care of your baby than anyone else in the world.

I'm expecting a battle this morning when we meet with the doctor(s). Despite our whole list of reasons why Finn will be better off at home with us, I still expect them to play the "bad mommy" card. Maybe I'm too cynical and pessimistic. Maybe they'll agree with us and happily send him home with us.

Today is my due date. It seems only right that he should come home today.

6 comments:

Jodi said...

Lisa,

Just remember that you and Michael are the experts on Finn. You know what's best for him and if there's no compelling medical reason (avoiding a lawsuit doesn't qualify), he should be at home. Period.

If that doesn't work, we can all meet you there with our kids and stage a massive distraction and you can break him out while they're not looking! :)

Know that we're all with you in spirit!

Carla said...

Like I said in my text, break him out on your due date! Bring him home and watch him heal and grow in the love of his family!

aud444 said...

Here's what you could do:
Put a fly in your purse. Then, just as you hit the NICU, let it out in Daisy’s direction so she can cause a little commotion. Take Joey's flashlight away from him, give it to Annabelle, then have Lilah confiscate it, so they can have a struggle while Daisy's still whining. The RN’s will attempt to diffuse the commotion. At that very second, you, Michael, and Kevin, scoop up Finn, make a B-line for the elevator and once safe inside the elevator, the kids count to 10 in unison (as planned), instantly calm down, and thank the hospital staff for their assistance.
You all rendezvous at the car and away you go!

Audrey

freckles2 said...

Hi, Lisa. You don't know me but I stumbled onto your blog and I couldn't help but read it.

Please don't ever lose hope on your God given angelic gift. You sound very stressed out and scared with good reason. You and Michael were given Finnian for a reason.

You're already doing a great job with him, you just have to continue keeping the faith that he will continue to thrive in order to complete your family.

Finnian represents love! And you and your husband represent love and strength together with your other little angels. You're all one big happy family. Please continue to work together as the strong family that you already are.

Keep in mind that God doesn't make any mistakes. Have faith that He always knows what He's doing. You wouldn't have been blessed with Finnian in your lives if you weren't strong enough to handle the task. You can trust that all of your frustrations will pay off in a huge way for you and your whole family in the end. Once you see all the things that Finnian will accomplish throughout his life, these frustrating times will be viewed as well worth it.

Finnian is a true blessing and you will be blessed! In fact you already are. God always gives us double for our troubles. Trust in Him. You have Finnian because you are so strong and loving and devoted.

God bless you and Finnian. Be well and stay peaceful and happy.

T-rex said...

This equally cynical gal is in complete agreement and rooting for you all day long!

Tricia said...

I have gone back to the beginning to read, so I am a bit behind. But I can't TELL you how much I can relate to all these NICU feelings. So overwhelming! You write about it so well, so accurately. I feel like I am back there...but as though I have a friend who understands.