Tuesday, July 15, 2008

To My Friends and Loved Ones

I think what I posted here last night about how some people in my life want me to be happy and see the bright side of things may have made some of you feel bad. Please know that that was not my intention. I write in here to keep everyone updated on Finn's progress, but also as a form of therapy and coping for myself. I've always been something of a journal keeper - since I was an adolescent - and writing out my feelings and thoughts is cathartic for me and helps me work through things I'm struggling with. So please know that that entry wasn't directed at you, or you, or you - nobody in particular.

That said, I realize that I am unable to be a good friend to anyone right now. I'm barely able to be a half-way decent parent to my other kids right now because half the time I feel like I'm suffocating in sorrow and fear. Hearing how happy and carefree DS people are doesn't make me feel better about the fact that my son has DS. I can't make conversation with any of you when you call, I can't ask how things are going with you in your life, I can't talk about the weather or gas prices. That part of me is paralyzed right now, and I'm sorry. Getting through the day, sometimes even the next hour, takes an incredible amount of effort that leaves me feeling drained.

Everybody has been incredibly loving, generous, supportive, forgiving, and compassionate during this ordeal, and I will never ever be able to repay any of you. I am hopeful that once we get Finn home from the hospital, we can slowly create a new normal for our family that will include time with friends, maybe even some laughter and fun. Please be patient with us, and with me, though, because it's going to take time, lots of time.

Lisa

8 comments:

Heidi said...

lisa,

i've been reading your blog since the link showed up in your lodge at pg.org. i wanted to reassure you that it's NOT your job to keep the others around you happy. you're wise for realizing this. you're being true to yourself and to your process.

not only are you facing the joyous occasion of the birth of your son, you're also facing tremendous grief. i'm glad that you're not trying to talk yourself out of where you are. in my eyes, you're a brave and wise woman. you're facing a situation that nobody plans for.

i believe in you. i hope you can continue to be honest about where you are with things.

heidi

Momto4 said...

*Big HugS* Sweetie ~ Take life one breath at a time!! You are Stong & There will be a Normal & Happiness Again. !!Yeah for Oral Feeds!! 1 step closer to Home. Lots of Love for You!!

~Heidi

tinyscrafts said...

No one expects that of you Lisa. Take all the time you need. People just don't know what to say. Just know we care and we are here if you need us. - Tiny

T-rex said...

Awe, big hugs and thank you for responding to my email. As always, we want to help in any way we can. That's the great thing about friendship, it doesn't demand anything in return, and certainly not when you're embroiled in such a trying time and just attempting to cope. You vent, we'll be here to love and listen. And you WILL come out the other side - a 'new normal' is a great way to put it. It may take time, but time marches on, right?

Karly said...

Don't waste your energy making apologies...honestly, only those who have been in the same situation can really know what it's like and even then, we all process things differently. I was never comforted by the "happy people" comments either...and in my experience, they are just like any other stereotype...wrong as often as right.

Carla said...

Oh, Lisa, when I read yesterday's post the first thought I had was "way to let it all out, girlfriend!". Where can you do that, uncensored, if not here?! You don't need to take care of us and our feelings right now. Everything is about you and your family right now and that is more than understandable.

I do think that the hugs, "you can get through this" statements, etc. are all meant with only the best intentions...but some of us (okay me) don't know what else to do other than be a cheerleader. I don't know what I have to offer you all the way from northern NH other than my unwavering faith in your ability to go through every phase of this (the good, the bad, and the ugly).

I miss you, Lisa, but if ever there was an exceptional excuse for being emotionally unavailable to anyone outside your immediate family, this is it! I love you and respect you immensely.

Larry said...

Lisa, please never apologize for feelings - feelings really can't be "wrong" - you have them - they are there and they need to be felt and dealt with as works best for you and no 2 people deal with similar feelings the same. I think we all feel inept at how to support you when we communicate, whether on the phone or via email - I know I do. But you don't owe us any of your energy at all. I am glad to hear Finn is recovering from the surgery well and that food is now part of his daily routine. I look forward to meeting your little guy in person whenever that happens in the weeks to come...Love, Lisa B

sakun said...

lisa...it's saku....you do not have to apologize for anything u said or say. this is your blog...your place to vent...i am honored & feel very privileged that you would allow me to share this emotional journey with you & your familiy. you have every right to cry to scream to be angry to be sad...you have to grieve the loss of the finnian you believed you would have...to grieve the horrible loss of the dreams you had for him..& no one has the right to expect you to move forward...or be happy...until you are ready if you are ever ready. i remember when we lost our baby people, I am sure with good intentions, would say things like "it happened for a reason" " it wasn't meant to be" "you have to be grateful for your other children" "things could have been worse" "be thankful it happened now & not later on"....i could go on & on. So many could not understand why I took so long to grieve...so many wanted me to be my happy bubbly self but I couldn't....i will never be the same. you on the other hand gave me the most amazing gift (which I put around my neck & have never taken off) with the most thoughtful verse & card. Many (me included) just don't know what to say...how to help....intentions are so good tho. I am here to support you... unconditionally....