Saturday, September 20, 2008

It's strange to me . . .

. . . that sometimes I see the DS on Finn's face more than other times. Most of the time I hardly see it at all (and I rejoice). But sometimes, like today, the Down syndrome looks fairly obvious . . . mostly in his eyes and the way he sticks his tongue out. And I have to admit that it bothers me when he looks like a Down's baby - which of course makes me feel guilty. I mean, he is what he is, and I'm his mother, and I love him without condition or reservation . . . so what right do I have to prefer that he look a certain way? And I don't even understand this phenomenon - how it can show on his face more clearly sometimes more than other times. Or is it just my imagination? Or my fears coming to the surface?

I took Finn with me to run errands today and I caught several people staring at him. And I felt self-conscious. And I couldn't help but wonder if they were thinking "What a cute baby!" or "Ohhhh . . . that's not a regular baby." It was very unsettling.

Sometimes I think I make too much out of how mild his DS seems to be. I wonder if I'm kidding myself. I wonder if I'm lulling myself into a false sense of security. In the back of my mind I keep expecting some big thing to happen eventually . . . a major developmental delay . . . a serious health issue . . . something that will tear the rug out from under us once again.

5 comments:

T-rex said...

It might not make you feel much better but I bet money they were just trying to figure out where he got that gorgeous platinum blond hair! He's a perfectly lovely baby, I bet they were just fascinated with him.

Feel better hon, I don't have much else to say. Oh, EXCEPT that I will be in Anaheim for a wedding in February with Lilah along (since we're nursing) and if you'd like to do lunch I am in the area. I will also be down in May.

rickismom said...

I have felt ALL of these emotions. Its part of the trip. Don't feel guilty, please!

Cleo said...

You are still learning to accept and adjust to this whole new experience, it may be confusing to you that sometimes you have all these mixed thoughts and emotions, but it is all natural, it’s part of the process. Finnian is who he is, a beautiful and sweet baby, he is full of life. Lisa, I think that because you are his mom and know that he has Ds you are too self-conscious about it now, I think those people where admiring Finn’s beauty and light. He has his strengths and weaknesses like everyone else and you will help him bring out his full potential, Finn is going to be OK ~

Laurie said...

I can relate to what you are saying. I worry about Dylan's future, the health stuff - as well. I feel so fortunate that so far he appears to be in tip top shape (except for the heart stuff naturally...). So yeah, I worry alot too.
I also know what you mean about the features. Sometimes I do not see them in Dylan and sometimes they are very obvious to me. This morning when I turned the light on to get him up to feed him, his Ds features were there...as clear as can be. And I remember thinking that was strange bc it's almost like I had forgotten that he even had Ds during the night.
Anyways...I understand, Lisa. I really do.

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

I just discovered your blog and your posts are taking the words right out of my mouth. I have felt and feel the same way about all of these thoughts, feelings and experiences you are having. I feel like I'm stumbling across a secret group of friends that all share the deepest bond- children with DS. I wish we all can meet someday :)!