Ugly feelings

Today I am having some ugly feelings. My dear friend had her baby today and he's beautiful . . . and normal and healthy. I've been bracing myself for this for weeks. I am happy for her because I love her. But I am also filled with envy, jealousy, and self pity. It doesn't change our situation; our baby is the same baby he was before she had her baby as he is now that her baby has been born. But my sorrow is magnified right now, and I feel cheated all over again. I wish I were a bigger person than this. I don't want to feel this way.

***

As much as I'd like to believe that Finn is "mostly normal" and pretty much on track for any two month old baby, I think at least to some degree it's been a matter of convincing myself. Yes, he does some things that are on track developmentally. But I'm noticing that he doesn't smile like a normal two month old baby would. Yes, he has smiled on a few occasions, but I'm asking myself now if they were even real smiles. Maybe they were just random grimaces that are part of his whole repertoir of random facial expressions. Maybe they didn't mean anything. I know this: he does not smile responsively at this point. And it makes me very sad. This is the first delay he is demonstrating. And it forces home the reality that there will be more delays.

Sometimes I still can hardly bear all of this. Thinking about his struggle to gain weight and grow (at 2 months old, he now weighs 7 pounds 9 ounces), the countless doctors appointments and therapy appointments that we have to look forward to, the fact that he will never be NORMAL. Sometimes I still feel like it's all just suffocating me, the sadness I feel about it all if I let myself think about it too much.

I know I should be focusing on what he can do instead of what he can't do, and a lot of the time I am able to do that. But not today.

***

Tomorrow morning Finn has an appointment with a pediatric urologist regarding his undescended testes. I don't even know if this condition is related to DS. I just know that it's one more thing to worry about and contend with. I am filled with dread and anxiety about this appointment for some reason. I can't seem to help myself but to think in terms of worst case scenario (don't even ask me what worst case scenario is in my mind). Michael isn't able to get away from work, so I have to take Finn in by myself, and I think that's adding to my anxiety about it.