Sunday, September 7, 2008

Ugly feelings

Today I am having some ugly feelings. My dear friend had her baby today and he's beautiful . . . and normal and healthy. I've been bracing myself for this for weeks. I am happy for her because I love her. But I am also filled with envy, jealousy, and self pity. It doesn't change our situation; our baby is the same baby he was before she had her baby as he is now that her baby has been born. But my sorrow is magnified right now, and I feel cheated all over again. I wish I were a bigger person than this. I don't want to feel this way.

***

As much as I'd like to believe that Finn is "mostly normal" and pretty much on track for any two month old baby, I think at least to some degree it's been a matter of convincing myself. Yes, he does some things that are on track developmentally. But I'm noticing that he doesn't smile like a normal two month old baby would. Yes, he has smiled on a few occasions, but I'm asking myself now if they were even real smiles. Maybe they were just random grimaces that are part of his whole repertoir of random facial expressions. Maybe they didn't mean anything. I know this: he does not smile responsively at this point. And it makes me very sad. This is the first delay he is demonstrating. And it forces home the reality that there will be more delays.

Sometimes I still can hardly bear all of this. Thinking about his struggle to gain weight and grow (at 2 months old, he now weighs 7 pounds 9 ounces), the countless doctors appointments and therapy appointments that we have to look forward to, the fact that he will never be NORMAL. Sometimes I still feel like it's all just suffocating me, the sadness I feel about it all if I let myself think about it too much.

I know I should be focusing on what he can do instead of what he can't do, and a lot of the time I am able to do that. But not today.

***

Tomorrow morning Finn has an appointment with a pediatric urologist regarding his undescended testes. I don't even know if this condition is related to DS. I just know that it's one more thing to worry about and contend with. I am filled with dread and anxiety about this appointment for some reason. I can't seem to help myself but to think in terms of worst case scenario (don't even ask me what worst case scenario is in my mind). Michael isn't able to get away from work, so I have to take Finn in by myself, and I think that's adding to my anxiety about it.

3 comments:

Laurie said...

I'm sorry that you are feeling badly. I have been there...and probably wil be there again. Dylan isnt really smiling yet either, but I know that he WILL get there! They both will, Lisa, in their own time. We just need to be patient, I think. I've noticed that over the past few days, Dylan has already made some really nice progress. It's all going to be ok. It really is.
I am thinking of you.

Cleo said...

Hi Lisa, to have good moments/days or bad ones it's all part of the process of adjusting to your life with Finn. Your honesty and your best intentions/wishes make you a bigger person already. Because of the severe condition heart condition my niece was born with and other medical challenges, when she was two months old she wasn't gaining any weight, she was sleeping almost 24/7 and she was not smiling/interacting at all. Now she is acting like the perfect/beautiful/normal baby she is, she LAUGHS all the time,makes all kind of sounds, interacts with everybody, mover her legs and arms non-stop. All I see is Finn's beauty, I see his light, I see how wonderful and sweet he is, he will start smiling very soon. Regarding tomorrow's appointment try to be positive, It's all well. Best ~

rickismom said...

We all have our ups and downs --moments, hours... hopefully not days.
Sometimes the difference hits you in the face, and that hurts. So you learn to grow, to accept that life isn't perfect.