Mr. Grump and stuff

Poor Finnian. He's been out of sorts the last couple of days and it's really my fault. Or nobody's fault maybe. We've just had to do a ton of running around the last couple of days and it's completely screwed him up. I am realizing that he just does much better when we hang close to home and he gets food and sleep on a regular, predictable schedule. All this in and out of the car and sleeping on the go, it's rough on him and makes him (extra) crabby. Plus, I seem to have trouble nursing him when we're out and about. I've never had any issues - either physiological or psychological - nursing any of my other kids out in the world, but Finn is so darn distractable, and nursing when we're not at home turns into a frustrating venture for both of us, not to mention a peep show. So this results in him not eating regularly like he does at home, which also adds to the grumpiness. I think tomorrow we will try to have a quiet day at home.

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So, about that whole mental retardation thing. I'm still thinking about it a lot. I guess it's just the stage of the process I'm at. It bothers me. And I don't mean the prejudice of other people. I mean, yes, that is definitely an aspect that I have a lot of trouble with. But I guess right now (in case I didn't make myself clear in my last post) what I am having so much trouble with is just knowing that he is . . . or will be . . . or whatever. It's that knowledge. That certainty. Because apparently, from everything I've read, they all are. It just seems so definite, you know? It is definite. (Then, the part of me that maybe is still in denial thinks, "Come on, how can they - whoever they are - say that every single person with DS is mentally retarded? Have they tested every single person ever born with DS? No! So maybe Finn will be the exception . . .")

It hurts my heart. When I try to intellectualize it, I can't really answer why it hurts so much. It does not make me see him as less than, or love him less than I do any of my other children. If anything, I think his having Down syndrome has brought out in me a feeling of fierce protectiveness - which I have about all of my kids, but I think maybe more so with Finn. So I don't know. It hurts to know that he is limited. What those limits might be are anyone's guess, but they'll be there. Doesn't every parent want to believe that only the sky is the limit for their children? Plus, I guess it hurts to know that he may have trouble relating to other people throughout his life - or rather, that other people may have trouble relating to him. Will anyone take advantage of him? That scares me, too. How much will he be able to understand? Will he even understand his own condition? Will he be able to stand up for himself?

This is the stuff I'm struggling with.