Friday, February 27, 2009

Ramble ramble

I think I sometimes try to trick myself into believing that if I just treat Finn as a "normal" baby, he'll actually be "normal."

Sometimes it's just hard when I am faced with how so many things are so different with him. I mean, with my other babies, I never really had to agonize over feeding issues. I breastfed them all, and when it seemed like they were ready for solids, that's what we did. With Finn it's different. I have to think about how feeding will impact his development of speech, while still trying to stay true to my parenting philosophies. I can't put him in his Jumperoo without thinking about what muscle groups it's affecting, and how that will impact his learning to stand, crawl, and walk. I was talking to a friend today about how I want to look into getting an Ergo baby carrier for Finn, as he's getting too big and heavy for the Moby Wrap. She commented how her kids never really liked being in a carrier because they were happy being out and mobile. An innocent, offhand comment, but even this was a reminder to me: "Yeah, but Finn probably won't be mobile for quite a long time . . . that's the thing."

And when it all starts getting me down like this, then I feel like crap. Because really, if I complain or acknowledge that it's hard sometimes, doesn't that just bolster society's collective opinion that these babies generally shouldn't even be born? (Rickismom touched on this in a comment to one of my postings recently.) And it's not that - it's not that I feel like the burden is too much, or that he never should have been born - not by a long shot! But yeah, it's just hard sometimes.


I don't know. I feel like I'm just having kind of a hard time with everything right now. It's getting to me. I feel a little overwhelmed with this, with Michael, and it's carrying over into everything. I'm short-tempered with the kids (more so than usual!); of course it sort of feels like they're acting out a bit - not necessarily in response to the stressful issues we're dealing with, I'm just convinced that they know when Mom is weak and that's when they choose to really run amok. I spend half my time feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing any second.


And then I feel guilty on top of it, because really, I have so much to be thankful for. Things could be so much worse.

Eh. This too shall pass, right?

13 comments:

Maureen said...

Try to cut yourself some slack. You're under tremendous stress right now. Anyone dealing with similar heavy stuff would feel the same way you do.

Laurie said...

I hear ya, Lisa. I hear ya.
Hang in there. ((Hugs))

Lovin Mama said...

I felt the same way when Goldie was Finn's age. I still feel like I have to make parenting Goldie look easy to break down all the negative steroetypes that are out there. Like if they see how well she's doing it may lower that 90% of people who choose not to have a baby w/ DS. But, I'm starting to realize that no matter how hard I try things are different. We're putting too much pressure on ourselves. You and I are a lot alike.

I still use our Ergo.(Goldie will be 2 next month!) But, now I use it because Goldie is mobile and sometimes I need her to be up and out of the way! I wear her down at night while I pick up around the house, she's usually pretty sleepy by the time I'm done.

The Beers Family said...

We all fight our battles and we all have our moments of doubt and weakness but that does not make you a less of a great mom - you are doing the best you can to raise happy and healthy kids. You have a lot on your plate right now. Hang in there.

Kristin said...

You are doing a great job. The guilt that us moms feel can eat us alive. You are handling some very difficult stuff really well. I am so glad that you can use this blog as an outlet. Keep up the good work!

Megan said...

1. Don't pin Finn in (what the hell is that sentence??). How do you know when he'll be mobile. I know that Stella was "early", but I also know of other kids who were mobile before she.
2. 6-10 mos is the "normal" range for crawling. There are plenty of non-enhanced kids who don't make this "normal" span. Maybe not your other kiddos, but I know I have a friend with a daughter who is totally typical and didn't crawl until 13 mos.
3. We have an Ergo and love, love, love it! Get it. You've got to have a comfortable way to carry him around to leave you hands free to chase the rest of your brood.
4. Even now that S is mobile, she still likes the Ergo. And, again, I know plenty of typical kids who were in the age range of our kiddos who didn't fuss about being in the Ergo. Especially when you're talking about being back carried at the playground. Being "out and mobile" is great...but I'm not a huge fan of letting my kid crawl around on a nasty, mulchy playground.
5. Sometimes, regardless of typical, enhanced, what-the-fuck-ever, the best response is "Good for you. I mean, really, just because her kids hated the carrier, who stinkin' cares?!

starrlife said...

Too hard on yourself! You're going thru alot! It must be hard after having so called typical kids feeling like you're comparing all of the time. Just let go and lean into it- he will develop at his own pace, a little slower perhaps. It's easy to forget all of the little unique things each former baby required probably- special foods, special tricks to sleep, special play habits etc.. We used a backpack and it was lovely. As she got older we used a red wagon- very stylish and the envy of many a peer. Hugs- we are all here thru this difficult time.

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

On a positive note...if you are looking into getting a baby carrier, we carry the Beco which is just like the ergo but WAY cuter!!! We currently have in stock an organic one called the Joey and we have the Pony Express. They are darling!!! Check it out....www.addyandsam.com. Sorry for the plug, hope you don't mind!!

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

Hang in there!!! Take care of yourself, maybe treat yourself to something this weekend....massage, pedicure, trip to the coffee shop alone. Hugs!

Carla said...

Oh my, please go a little easier on yourself, Lisa. There is so much going on in your family and you can't expect yourself to have anything other than every single feeling known to humans.

Tricia said...

Everyone has said it and I agree...be gentle with yourself. You have a lot going on. You are doing a GREAT job.

Now is when I say one probably SUPER annoying thing re: the ergo. I know it's probably annoying b/c I thought it was when someone told ME this too. SUPPOSEDLY the ergo has a wide center (where the kid's crotch sits) and so this can cause probs b/c our kids tend to have looser ligaments which can translate into hip problems. We ended up not using the Ergo with G b/c she definitely DOES have loose ligs. (you can feel them move around). It might not be an issue for Finn, but something to consider?

We used a backpack with G for a LONG time. In fact, we still use it to keep her with us now that she is walking (and not always necessarily LISTENING). :)

Heather said...

Having kids is hard. It should be hard these are little people we are responsible for in the most formative and influenced time of their lives. I think the stereotypes that need to be broken down are not that having a child with disabilities isn't hard, but that because something is hard means it 'shouldn't even exist'. Life is hard, a lot more often than it's not. Fighting cancer is hard, but I know that if Michael ever talked to you about how hard it is you wouldn't tell him that he just shouldn't be fighting in the first place. I agree with everyone else here that you need to give yourself a huge break. You need to be able to talk about the hard things that you face with Finn and know that no one here is going to think 'he shouldn't be' and we're not going to pity you for having a 'broken' child, but we are going to offer you an ear, a shoulder, all the support we can give from whatever distance we are and I for one will be thankful that such an awesome little guy as Finn has such a loving and committed mom.

audy said...

Lisa - yes, this too shall pass. Oh yes, yes it will.