I'll elaborate on that last entry. Jeanette calls them landmines, and I guess I sort of stepped on one this afternoon.
I was out with Kevin and Joey this afternoon and we happened to run into Kevin's teacher from last year. She and I were pregnant at the same time and her little girl was born about 3 months before Finn was. She had her little girl with her, cute as a button, running around (literally), etc., etc. She (the mom/teacher) asked me about my baby, remembering that we had been pregnant at the same time, and I told her that I had a baby boy in July and she asked how he's doing, and I know I should have just said "Great!" and left it at that, but instead I told her that we received his very unexpected diagnosis of Down syndrome after he was born. She smiled and cocked her head and furrowed her brow a little - you know the look, the one that says "Oh, my how terribly sad . . ." - and I smiled really big and said, "Oh, you know, he's great and we just love him to pieces!" Which is true, but I know I find myself mustering up all this enthusiasm and saying that to people to ward off the pity looks. And she was really nice and I just know in my heart that she was thinking "Thank goodness my baby is normal!" Cynical? Yes. But I'm still sure of it. And I believe I run into this all the freaking time. I think people's first reaction is usually pity, and then when you deflect that with your enthusiasm about how great it is to have your child, you just know they're thinking "I'm glad it's not me!"
And really, it was hard watching her tiny one-year old girl literally running all over the store and giggling and knowing that Finn isn't going to do that in three months.
You know what? Sometimes I wish my baby had been born "normal." Sometimes I wish I didn't have to justify him to people. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to explain why he's not yet doing this or that. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to hear all the fucking time how "special" and "happy" these babies are and what "gifts" they are, when I know damn well that the people who tell me these things are just thanking their lucky stars that it didn't happen to them. I know I'm not supposed to say these things, or feel these things, but sometimes I do.
And now I'm crying. And I'm supposed to be getting ready to go out to dinner with my husband for the first time in two and a half months.
Adieu - After more than two years and 555 posts (556 counting this one!), I'm saying goodbye to Adventures in Motherhood. I'm ready for a change, and I've started ...
6 years ago