I feel like I'm losing friends . . . or losing my ability to relate to people on the same level I did before. Before Finn. Before cancer, even. And I am therefore distancing myself to some degree. It's a self-protection thing, but it also leaves me feeling a little lonely.
I have friends and acquaintances who still lament the fact that their typical baby or child isn't keeping up with so-and-so's baby or child. They worry that maybe something is wrong with their child . . . ? It bothers me. It hurts me. I want to shout, "Your baby is NOT delayed, but if she were, do you think that would be the worst thing in the world?" I guess I had hoped that knowing me, and knowing Finn, would change people in that way, make them care less about keeping up with everyone else, and just appreciate and enjoy what is.
The whole competition and comparison thing? I've had my fill of it. But of course that's because I've been changed. And it's not fair of me, perhaps, to expect everyone else to be changed as well.
Finn is doing really well, developmentally. But. I see the differences between what he can do and what other babies his age can do. I see the differences between what he can do and what my other kids could do at the same age. I've become more and more okay with it. But when other people start carrying on that Junior isn't yet walking at 12 months, yeah, it bothers me.
We have an HMO, so although our insurance covers the costs of almost everything (but not quite!), we get copies of statements for procedures, etc. that they paid for. We got yet another copy of a statement in yesterday's mail (between Finn and Michael, the statements come in bundles almost every day), and I started thinking, "Wow, our insurance has shelled out a lot of money for Finn." And he doesn't even have any serious medical issues like some babies and children with Ds do. But it got me thinking . . . do you think it's possible that insurance companies support prenatal screening, and therefore termination of pregnancies that yield a prenatal diagnosis, as a cost-saving measure? I'm not one to usually go in for conspiracy theories, but I can't help but think that insurance companies might rather see these babies never be born.
Today when I went to pick the twins up from preschool, a group of us moms were gathered outside the classroom waiting for the kids to come out, as usual. I had Lilah with me and Finn in the Ergo. One of the moms, who is pregnant, and who I really don't know at all except that I see her at preschool because her daughter is in the same class with my girls, asked me, "How old is he now?" gesturing to Finn. "He's ten months now," I told her. She said, "I remember when school started, he was so tiny." So we're having this pleasant conversation and all the other moms are chattering too. Then the mom says to me, "So is he standing up and trying to walk now?" Ugh. "Well, " I said, "actually, he's got Down syndrome, so he'll probably do those things a bit later than usual kids." "Ohhhhhh . . . ." the mom said to me. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Ick. Everyone fell silent. I kept a smile plastered to my face. "Don't feel sorry for us, don't you fucking dare feel sorry for us," I silently screamed at them all.
Adieu - After more than two years and 555 posts (556 counting this one!), I'm saying goodbye to Adventures in Motherhood. I'm ready for a change, and I've started ...
6 years ago