DAY 6: JULY 12, 2008

Some days seem to be harder than others. Finn is doing well overall, but Mommy not so good. Everything is just catching up with me. I went to see him this afternoon and spent almost the whole time crying. It's just so difficult to see him there hooked up to everything when all I want is for him to be home with me. When I hold him, he is calm and peaceful, but I can't hold him for long because he needs to be under the bili lights, and that makes him unhappy. He gets agitated . . . doesn't really cry a whole lot, but fusses and flails his arms and legs. It breaks my heart, I feel so helpless.

He sucks away on his paci too, and the nurse on duty last night told us it's because he's hungry. He's getting nutrition via IV but she said his tummy still feels empty and he's looking for food. I wish she hadn't told me that. All I want to do is nurse him, and I can't.

Here's all the stuff he's hooked up to:

So the plan for feeding him is this: they won't give him anything by mouth for at least a week after his surgery, which puts us at Tuesday at the soonest. His tummy is being drained around the clock (that's the tube going into his nose) - bile, blood, etc. That fluid has to be clear before they'll attempt his first feed by mouth. His first few feeds will be clear fluid, like Pedialyte, and if he tolerates that, they'll start with a couple cc's of colostrum and increase from there as he tolerates. I, of course, want to get him on the breast as soon as possible . . . I'm so worried that our nursing relationship is already in the toilet - but apparently it's very important that his first few days of feeding by mouth be carefully measured, so he'll likely be fed with a syringe to start.

Anyhow, here's my stash of pumped milk in the freezer at home - not bad. Really, it's only part of the stash, as the NICU has quite a bit of my milk in their freezer as well.

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Michael took the twins to see their baby brother in the hospital today. It went really well, although it was a short visit since they got antsy pretty quickly. It's all they could talk about when they got home, seeing baby "Finny."

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A big banker's box was delivered to our house today. It was from Michael's firm, addressed to the kids. It was choc full of arts and craft stuff for them. I continue to be in awe of everyone's kindness and generosity towards us.