Musings

Today is one of those days where I'm sort of inside my own head. Some things going on in there:

It's been said to me more times than I can count, by more people than I can keep track of, that Finn, as a special needs child, and more specifically as a child with Down syndrome, will bring us immeasurable joy; that special babies are given to special parents; and that if anyone can handle all the challenges down the road, "It's you, Lisa."

All of these statements leave me scratching my head.

If having a special needs child - a DS child - is an experience so laden with joy (and I'm not denying it - I really don't know; I haven't been doing this long enough to cast a verdict yet . . . Finn brings us joy because he's our child and we love him, but I would say the same about all of our children), then how come the rate of voluntary pregnancy termination in cases of prenatally diagnosed DS is somewhere between 80 - 90%? And I'm not making judgments there - I have my own feelings about abortion. My point is that the vast majority of people apparently would choose NOT to have a child with Down syndrome, despite all the supposed joys the experience is supposed to bring.

I wonder, if these same people who have told me this - the ones who don't have a special needs child themselves - if given a choice, would they choose to have a special needs child?

And here's something else to ponder (for myself): would I have chosen to have a child with DS? I don't mean if I had chosen to have the prenatal screenings while I was pregnant (I chose not to), and found out I was carrying a baby with DS, would I have terminated - that's not what I mean. I wouldn't have terminated, but I'm glad I didn't know before he was born. What I mean is this: When I was longing so much for another baby after Lilah was born, what if the powers that be had said to me, "Okay, Lisa, here's the deal: you can have another baby, but it will have to be a special needs baby, a baby with Down syndrome. Or you can choose not to have another baby. What do you say?" What would I have said? I really, really don't know. The yearning for another baby was incredibly strong within me, but I don't know if I would have said "Okay, let's do it" to a deal like that.

And I can't help but think that all the people who say these things to me are secretly saying to themselves "Thank goodness it's not me! Thank goodness my baby/child is healthy and normal!" And while this makes me sad - and in a strange way makes me feel like a misfit among my friends these days - I can't deny that I would be secretly saying the same things if the tables were turned.

As for being some sort of special parent (was I special before I had the "special" baby or is that title given out only after one has a "special" child?), or being so well able to handle the challenges ahead with Finn, I'm most assuredly not. I'm short on patience and tolerance, I'm anal retentive, I probably expect too much from my kids in many areas (it boggles my mind that a 3-almost-4-year old doesn't understand that coloring on the walls isn't cool - I'm told this is typical behavior for that age, however.) Michael and I joke sometimes about the therapy fund we have for when our kids are all grown up and realize how much we screwed them up. And I'm supposed to be qualified to raise a child who needs extra patience, extra tolerance?

Sometimes I just feel scared.