Sunday, November 2, 2008

I'm in

Since I seem to be hooked on this blogging thing, I've decided to take part in National Blog Posting Month, otherwise known as NaBloPoMo. This isn't to raise awareness of anything . . . well, anything except the joys of blogging, I guess. So the challenge is to once again blog about something every day for a month. Perhaps I will branch out a little this month and blog about things other than Finn and DS, although I'll keep my especially ranty and/or private stuff in my other, private blog ;)

1 comment:

Darla said...

I think you're a repressed optimist. lol Anyone would be scared, make that terrified in your place and the reason is: The Unknown. There is such a range of potentials in your situation and you would feel more grounded if anything was absolute.

Life is full of unknowns though. The difference with your son is that someone has pointed out that you're living with the unknown.

For example, many people have given birth to a seemingly normal baby only to find out later that their child is different much later than you did. The thing is, they often don't have the time to worry, they usually come to realize over time their child is different, and since it's gradual, it's not as frightening. I'm talking about myself of course. I have a son who is Asperger's syndrome range. He does not have all the same symptoms listed in the range. He is extremely considerate, empathetic and it known to his siblings as "Brock" the combination of Brian and Mr. Spock. He quite likes it as he has extremely formal speech and has very rigid tendencies. I had to fight for him in school and it paid off. I also believe he has Klinefelter's syndrome. I haven't wanted to tell him, because he loves children so much. He has about 90% of the listed symptoms but I've never had him tested because I don't want his reality about himself to change. When my son first started showing signs that anything was wrong, he was 3 1/2 and (ironically) speech delayed and had his own sign language, slightly delayed potty training, severe asthma, allergies to everything under the sun, peeling rashes. I spent 15 days of every month in Children's hospital. After lots and lots of testing, they still couldn't pinpoint it. I could have lived in fear, but because this was already my "normal" I had to do a reality check. "Am I still happy?" "Do I still love him?" "Can everything still be ok?" Yes, Yes, Yes. There was speech therapy involved, and my son whom they wanted to put in the "slow" classes started excelling at age 10 (late bloomer) after it was found that he had 60/40 vision that had gone undetected and graduated with honors from regular high school(never went to special ed, I wouldn't let the teachers off that easy and I was so right), having won National Citizenship awards. If I had been told he's have developmental delays etc without knowing what I'd be facing, I'd have been just as sad, depressed etc as you are.
I can honestly say that he is the one closest to my heart. He's a brilliant and beautiful person, slightly quirky, but genuine, loving, generous. He's had lots of girlfriends but he's still kind of a loner. He's the best listener and has the most remarkable insight of anyone. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't blink. I also know that if they had known at birth that I would experience "developmental delays" of unknown mental capacity, I'd have made myself sick.

If your son had not been diagnosed as being different, you would have been just like me.(blissfully ignorant) I just didn't know enough to be worried and that was a blessing. There was never a specific point that I felt my reality changed because it came on so slowly. I feel so much for you just imagining how it must be for you.

With you only, I'll share my greatest fears of having a child with D/S. I'm barely 7 weeks but I am very scared thinking of what I may have gotten myself into. It's the way people might blame me for wanting a baby at age 44, the way they might be thinking that it's "What I get" for trying to conceive at my age. The way it might feel like my fault if the child suffers, The way I might feel differently about myself as a woman thinking I might have permanently damaged genetic material. It would be better to just have a random child with D/S at a young age because then there's be nothing to blame but fate.

It's hard to feel constantly judged. We live in this really shitty image conscious society, but some people deserve no more notice from you than a part of the scenery like a rock or a tree. I learned to steel myself with the birth of my second son who had adhd. I too used to feel like I owed the world an explanation, but, I finally realized at the end of the day the person whose opinion of me mattered the most was not the stranger at the supermarket who said I should spank him more, or more specifically "he needs a beating", but my child's.

I could no more have an abortion than I could harm any of my other living children. This child is part me and part the love of my life just like my other 3, but there's terror in knowing that I'm in fate's hands right now. I'm not writing to you because I'm in a precarious situation, but because I really connect with your honesty. I don't think you're in denial, you're optimistic and hopeful, which is what you should be. What kind of mother doesn't hope for the best for their child? I have this amazing feeling that Finn will surprise everyone and exceed their wildest expectations.

If this post upsets you in any way, please delete it.

PS, My son Brian's birthday is also 7-7-1985.