Mixed Thoughts

I'm having some thoughts about Michael's take on this whole Down syndrome thing. I know he reads my blog, and I'm not sure how he's going to feel about reading about himself here. This is stuff we've been talking about, and I guess I'm just trying to sort it all out in my own head (i.e., here in blogdom . . . my head, my blog, same thing really . . . sort of).

Here's the thing: Michael doesn't tell people that Finn has Ds. Although he says this is not the case, it feels to me like he goes out of his way NOT to tell people. He's only told a couple people at work, like the two partners at his firm and one colleague - and them only because it was almost unavoidable in the beginning when Finn was in the NICU and Michael took a lot of time off work. He hasn't told any of his friends. Not the guys he jams with every single week. Not even who was at one time his closest friend, who came over with his wife on Thanksgiving, and I made him tell them as soon as they came in the front door. I couldn't stand them not knowing and maybe seeing it in Finn and just wondering. So he finally told them, but only because I insisted that he tell them.

He says that there's just not ever really been an occasion to tell people, and he doesn't think it's necessary to tell people just to tell them. Which I can see. He said, "If you were dating a black guy, you wouldn't say to your friends, 'I'm dating this guy, and by the way, he's black,' you would just say, 'I'm dating this guy,' and let them see for themselves. Or, you don't say to people, 'This is my son Joey and he's gifted,' you just say 'This is my son Joey.' " Which is true. But still. Although I don't want Finn to be defined by the fact that he has Ds, it IS a big part of who he is, you know? And there have been occasions when M might have mentioned it, when it would have been natural to mention it, like when he struck up a conversation with a guy on the train recently and discovered that he's an attorney who represents families of children with special needs. Did M mention that we have a child with special needs? Nope. Or at lunch with some coworkers recently the actual subject of Ds was being discussed. Did M throw out there that our baby has Ds? Nope.

I'm just trying to make sense of it is all. Trying to understand. I fully realize that he and I are very different in a lot of ways. I'm an open book (obviously), while he is more private. And I totally respect that. Maybe it's the difference between men and women, or moms and dads? I don't know.

While I no longer blurt out that Finn has Ds to anyone who glances in my direction, I do usually end up telling people who I have any sort of meaningful conversation with. It seems natural to me. It's part of who Finn is. And in a weird way, I guess I just need people to know. Maybe to give them a heads up not to say anything offensive in my presence (like using the R word)?? Maybe just to put all my cards on the table to see if they are accepting or not? I don't know. Maybe. I guess there's just a part of me, too, that feels like if I don't tell people up front, then they'll eventually figure it out on their own and then wonder if I never mentioned it because I'm embarassed or ashamed or something. Which is absolutely not the case. So I'm up front about it.

I asked Michael if he's embarassed or ashamed of the fact that Finn has Ds and he said no. And I believe him.

I'm just trying to understand where's he's at with this.