There's a New Superhero in Town, and His Name is Kevin.

There was an incident at school today. Here, Kevin, age 13, recounts it in his own words:

So today I came out of my first period class (language arts), and my friend came out of his first period class (tech). He told me that we had a substitute in tech. And then he told me that in class, the sub had used the word “retarded.” He told me that she said, “Oh, hey, I did this thing wrong. I must be really retarded today.” I couldn’t believe it, and neither could he. So I waited for period 4 to roll around, which is when I have technology. And after class I went to the sub and asked to talk to her. I said, “I heard in first period that you used the word ‘retarded’.” At first she tried the denial approach. “Oh, did I?” she said, sounding surprised. “Yes, you did,” I said. “And I just want you to know that that word is a very offensive word referring to disabled people, and that I have a brother with a disability.” “Well,” she said, “I think it depends on the context you use it in.” “No.” I said simply. “No. It really doesn’t.” “Well,” she continued, (personally, I think she was still attempting to defend herself. Some adults are like children! They won’t own up to the fact that they made a mistake.) “I would never use the word referring to someone with special needs. I respect your view.” “Thank you.” I said, and left. It was a bit embarrassing because the kids in line for the next class were staring at me. I’m not sure why. But I’m glad I did it because if I hadn’t I would have felt guilty or disappointed, and when I told my friend that told me in the first place what happened, he said “Way to go, dude! You stood up to a teacher!”

The kid's got chutzpah, don't you think? And certainly more integrity and more heart than some adults.

I am blown away that a teacher would so casually throw a word like that around. I can hardly wrap my head around it.

And it still amazes me how people will defend their use of the word by saying that they were not directing it at a person with actual disabilities, and they wouldn't dream of doing any such thing. I mean, really. How can people not see that when you say anything or anyone is "retarded," you are making a derogatory comparison to a person with actual developmental disabilities? So, by their logic, would it be okay to say "nigger" as long as you weren't actually saying it about a black person? Or would it be okay to say "faggot" so long as you weren't actually directing it to a person who is homosexual?

Come on, people.

In any event, I am incredibly proud of Kevin.

Kevin's Speech, live

Tonight was the night Kevin gave his speech at school, to a packed audience of peers and families. He did a wonderful job, and despite a brief, unfortunate technical malfunction, he nailed it.

This was part of a program in which all the seventh and eighth graders at his school had to perform either a visual or performing art. Kevin was the only one who received a standing ovation. People were crying! Afterwards, as we were leaving, so many people - kids, parents, and teachers alike, were high-fiving Kevin, shaking his hand, and telling him what an awesome message he put out there. He made a BIG impression. My heart is so full right now, of love and pride for this amazing kid, and my faith in the ultimate goodness of people is restored.

Dress Rehearsal: R-word speech

Kevin had to do a dress rehearsal today at school for the speech he's giving tomorrow evening, and apparently it went really well. When I picked him up from school this afternoon, he was beaming. I asked him how it went (as practice, he had to give his speech in front of the entire seventh grade) and he said, "It was really impactful, Mom!" (I swear he used that word!) He said that during the speech, a lot of kids were giving him thumbs up, and afterwards several kids made a point of telling him how "awesome" they thought his speech was. A few kids told him that they have siblings with autism or other diagnoses, and that they understood exactly what he was talking about. One girl said to him, "Wow. I am never going to use that word ever again." When he told me this, I was just overcome. This is what it's all about - making a difference. Another kid told him that it was the "second best speech" he'd ever heard, the best being Martin Luther King, Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech.

I'm so proud of that boy. And I can't wait for the real thing tomorrow evening!

Beaten Down

After today's session with Finn's new "infant stim" therapist, I've decided to can her. As I posted last week, she was a half hour late the first time she came. I emphasized to her that I have to be out of the house by 12:20 to pick my twins up from kindergarten. Apparently 11:30 on Wednesdays is the only time slot she has available. Fine. If that's the case, then she really needs to be on time if we're going to get anything close to an hour of therapy in, which is what she's contracted for. Well, she was late again today, and this time didn't even bother acknowledging or apologizing for being late. Also, I'm not at all impressed with what she appears to have to offer. She plays with toys on the floor with Finn. Period. We do that already. Emily, the OT, does that. It's overkill. She's not wowing me. So we're done with her; I've already contacted our SC and told her to let her know that she doesn't need to come back. And in all honesty, if this is what "infant stim" is all about, I'll cheerfully do without a replacement.

After the infant stim therapist was here (and I rushed out to get my girls from school), I called Emily, our OT, to get her input. I can call her like that, whenever, to blow off steam and to get her input on therapy, because we have a rapport outside of therapy. We're in the same book club. She's a fellow mom in the neighborhood. Her kids go to the same school my kids go to. We have friends in common. So I called her because I wanted to get her input on canning the infant stim therapist and pushing for speech therapy for Finn. We've thus far been denied ST because here in California, Finn is deemed too young to qualify for one-on-one ST. So Emily was telling me how she began as a therapist in Chicago, and how different EI is there and in other parts of the country, and how in most areas, kids with Ds get ST from birth.

During the course of the conversation, in describing her frustration with how the EI system in California is set up (and I agree, it's screwy), she did the unthinkable: she used the R-word. To me. Today, of all days, the day we're Spreadin' the Word to End the Word. For crying out loud. And she used the word to describe the EI system! Can it get any more ironic than this, folks?

You know what? I kind of lost it after I got off the phone with her. I didn't say anything to her because I was just so stunned. But when I hung up the phone I started crying and shaking - a full on meltdown. Kevin, my 13-year-old, was worried when he found me crying at the kitchen table. "What's wrong, Mom? What's wrong? What happened?" So I told him - this smart, sensitive, compassionate kid who thinks the world of his baby brother, and who is on his own crusade to change people's attitudes - I told him that someone used the R-word in conversation to me and that it just really, really hurts.

I know this sounds rather melodramatic. But it felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. Why am I fighting such a clearly losing battle? It's no use. These words, and these attitudes, they're everywhere. We can't get away from them. It hurts so much, people. I felt just completely drained and defeated.

I like Emily a lot! She's great at what she does, Finn is responding really well to her, she's wonderful. And I know she didn't mean any harm, I know she didn't. She's not a bad person, she's a really kind, wonderful person. But see, even she - a person who makes her living at working with developmentally disabled children - throws that word around without even thinking about it. How are we ever going to change something so insidious?

You know that speech that Kevin wrote? He's going to be giving it in front of the student body and their families at his school this Friday evening. I guess some kids have gotten wind of the subject matter of his speech. Want to know what one kid in one of Kev's classes said to him a few days ago? He said, "Hey, I hear you wrote a speech about a retard." Punk-ass kid . . . why I'd like to . . .

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Somebody get me a hole to crawl into.

All that said, I only let a few minutes go by before I knew I had to call Emily out on this. Of course it would have been easier to just let it go, ignore it, pretend I didn't hear it, pretend she didn't say it. But I couldn't. So I sent her this:

Hi Emily -

I want to tell you again how much I appreciate your help and input. I'm so glad that we have you on our team now.

I have to say something, and this is really uncomfortable. On the phone today, when you were talking about how the EI system is set up in California, you said, "That's just RETARDED." Ugh. That word hurts. I'm thinking you probably didn't even realize you said it. But see, that's the problem, it's become so insidious in our language that people don't even realize they're saying it, and they have no idea the people it hurts. Finn is developmentally disabled, and he will be for his whole life. So this is HUGE to me, a really, really big deal. It hurts me, as his mama, when people talk like that. And despite the fact that it's really difficult and uncomfortable to call people out on it, I owe it to Finn to try to change attitudes.

I just wanted to put that out there. No hard feelings. I adore you and am so happy with everything you're doing with Finn.

Lisa

Oh, and here's something my oldest son, Kevin did (he's actually going to be giving this speech at Beechwood school this Friday evening): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33IxIdS1vYk

And she did respond and was very apologetic, which I appreciate. It's not apologies I'm after though. It's a change in attitude. And I guess the best I can hope for is that when called out on it, people will at least think before they speak in the future.

A New World

Today is Spread the Word to End the Word Day, a campaign spearheaded by the Special Olympics to put an end to the use of the words "retarded" and "retard." I and my family have very strong feelings about this, but it goes a lot deeper than just eliminating hate words from the world's lexicon. What I want, in my heart of hearts, is a change in attitude. Yes, please stop using the R-word. It's not about being "politically correct," it's about human decency. But don't stop there. Examine your feelings about people who you perceive to be different than you. Do you see them as less than? Is this what you are passing along to your children? These attitudes ripple outward like a stone thrown into a pond. If you turn the other way when you see somebody in a wheelchair, if you hiss at your children "Don't stare!" when you encounter a pair of deaf individuals communicating in sign language, if you avoid the checkout line at the store in which the girl with Down syndrome is bagging groceries, if you get all up in arms because your child has been placed in a classroom with a child who has learning disabilities, you are promoting an attitude of intolerance and non-acceptance. You can stop using the R-word, and you can tell your children not to use the R-word, but if there is not a change in basic attitudes about and towards people who are different, then no real change has taken place.

I want the world to be a better place for my children. It rips my heart out to think that Finn will grow up facing these attitudes and hearing words like "retard" being thrown around. But it's not just Finn, it's my other kids too. They are also growing up seeing these attitudes and hearing these words. I want them to grow up in a world where difference is just another flavor. And you know what? I want that for your kids too.

Kevin's R-word speech on YouTube

Spread the word!

In the words of a 13-year-old boy

This is a speech Kevin, our oldest son, wrote, and which he will be giving in front of the student body and their families at his school in a couple of weeks.

I just want to note that this is Kevin's cause, and one he is pretty passionate about. We, his parents, have never pushed him to take on this cause. He loves his brother so much, and takes his responsibility as an advocate very seriously.

___________________________________

I know that history can sometimes be boring, but just for a second let’s think back to the Civil War, when Abraham Lincoln was still America’s president. He made a speech called The Gettysburg Address. In his speech, Lincoln said that all men are created equal. Now let’s fast-forward in time to August 28, 1963. On that day Martin Luther King, Jr. made his “I have a dream” speech. He also said that all people should be equal. I strongly agree with this, and I’m sure many of you think you agree, too.

Now today, here in 2010, I’m making my own speech.

How many of you here discriminate against people of a different race than your own? How many of you discriminate against those of another religion? Probably not many of you. But I’m not done yet.

How many of you discriminate against . . . my baby brother, or people like him? I doubt that any of you think you do. But let’s think about this. I’m sure many of you here have used a single word that hurts like a missile. That word is “retard.” I could ask you all if you know what “retarded” actually means, but I doubt many of you do. Many people use it to describe something they think is stupid, annoying, ridiculous, or useless. It actually refers to someone with an intellectual disability, like my baby brother, who has Down syndrome. When you say “retard” or call something “retarded,” it shows ignorance and insensitivity. It sounds uneducated. Some people think it’s okay to use as a casual insult because they aren’t specifically referring to the intellectually disabled. This is not true; the word “retard” is inappropriate and unnecessary and unacceptable. It’s offensive and hurtful to my brother, my family, and all other people with disabilities and their families.

It is true that doctors once used the words “mentally retarded” as the official term describing the intellectually disabled. But the word has evolved into a hurtful, offensive insult. There is absolutely no reason why the intellectually disabled should be compared to something YOU believe is useless or stupid. It’s like saying, “You’re stupid, and these disabled people are stupid, so I’m gonna insult them and you by saying you’re as dumb as them!”

My baby brother is sitting on the floor watching me closely as I write this speech, a smile on his face. Is it my brother’s fault that he was born with an extra chromosome, that he has Down Syndrome? No. And yet, he will deal with discrimination for his entire life, unless we do something to change that. A very simple thing: stop using the words “retard” and “retarded.” Just remove those words from your vocabulary.

Maybe some of you know somebody with an intellectual disability, and you understand.

Some of you will walk away when I am done, laughing, and saying, “That speech was retarded!”

Some of you will agree with what I’ve said, but continue using the words and being hurtful anyway.

But some of you will truly understand. You will educate other people to know that everyone, regardless of race, religion, or intellectual ability, deserves to be treated with equal kindness, respect, and dignity. You will truly understand what it means to be equal.

Politics, the R-word, and good ol' Sarah Palin

Sigh.

I'll be honest. I'm not one much for politics. I probably should be more aware of and invested in what goes on politically in our country, but the only excuse I can offer up is that I keep busy enough taking care of and worrying about the things in my own little world. Not that I don't have opinions about certain national and global issues. But I generally don't spend a lot of time or energy focusing on what political figure is doing or saying what these days.

However, this latest thing concerning Sarah Palin is impossible to ignore.

Let me just say that I know full well that people tend to have pretty passionate opinions about Sarah Palin - my experience is that people either love her (generally, the right-wing religious types) or hate her (generally, the more liberal types). I'm sure there are people who fall somewhere in the middle in their assessment of her, but the former has been my general observation.

Without exposing my own political views too terribly much, I'll just say that I don't really know where I fall. I find myself having conservative views about certain things, and very liberal views about other things. Maybe that makes me an Independent?

Anyhoo. Back to Sarah Palin. I have not followed her politically, mostly because I just don't care much. However, when John McCain first named her as his running mate a couple years ago, my first reaction was gladness. Finn had just recently been born at that time, and I suddenly saw all kinds of possibilities with having someone in the White House who was the parent of a child like mine.

Since then, I've become very aware of people's strong feelings about her. Within the Down syndrome parenting community, there are people who think she is akin to the Second Coming of Christ. And there are others who detest everything she stands for and consider her to be a blight on the face of disability advocacy.

As for me? I've tried to ignore everyone else's opinions and give her the benefit of the doubt. Not politically, but as a parent. It's just very difficult for me to believe in my heart of hearts that a parent really could just sell out their kid in favor of their political agenda. But that is, in fact, what Sarah Palin has done. In one breath, she calls for the firing of Rahm Emmanuel for his use of the term "fucking retards" in reference to his political adversaries, and in the next, she defends Rush Limbaugh's use of the R-word, writing it off as "satire." So, I imagine, then, that she and her family sit around the dinner table up there in Alaska and make jokes about "retards," of course with sweet little Trig sitting right there. And it's okay, because it's satire! They're only joking. So it's okay, right?

What a fucking hypocrite.

I'm disappointed. And I'm finished giving her the benefit of the doubt.